Lester Roadhog Moran accepts plywood disc for sales of 1,250 units, April, 81.
Left to right: Wesley W. Rexrode, Henry “Red” Vines, Ray “Wichita” Ramsey, Ruby Lee Moran, Lester ‘Roadhog’ Moran, where the lost highway meets Route 66, you get off and take a left at the Bait & Ammo sign…you’ll eventually wind up at Burford’s Barber Shop (that’s Burford in the top right corner).
Lester “Roadhog” Moran passed away last night from natural causes. That is, he rolled over on the loaded shotgun he always slept with and it discharged, blowing his brains out. In Rainbow Valley where Moran spent his entire life this was indeed considered natural.
Lester “The Old Roadhog” Moran, along with his Cadillac Cowboys (Red, Wesley and Wichita) kept a strain of country music alive long after most people thought it had died, or should have died. What killed off Lester Moran’s style of music of course was the invention of the tuner. These days anyone with $20 can tune their guitar in a matter of minutes. Unfortunately for Moran (and his band), tuners never made it into the culturally isolated Rainbow Valley, and when his record company tried to buy him one he rejected it, saying only “I never did like seafood much….”.
Moran did leave behind some, errr, let’s say, very distinct, music including this classic recording done Live At The Johnny Mack Brown Highschool back in 1974, an aircheck from his Saturday Morning Radio Show on WEAK in the Rainbow Valley (another aircheck can be found on side two of the Live At The Johnny Mack Brown Highschool album issued by Mercury), and this mind boggling audition tape sent to Mercury Records. It was the latter which got him his record deal which produced the first one, the one in the middle was released by the Statler Brothers who needed some material to fill out an album in 1973 when they either ran out of their own material, or just decided the record company didn’t pay ’em enough money to deliver an entire LP. Lester’s backing group — The Cadillac Cowboys– Red (Henry Vines), Wesley (Wesley W. Rexrode) and Wichita (Raymond Ramsey Jr.), will attempt to carry on without him. They will be holding auditions for a new lead singer this Saturday morning at the Johnny Mack Brown High School auditorium, or parking lot if they can’t get the keys to the auditorium. Or at Burford’s Barber Shop. They haven’t decided yet. Says Wichita– “We’re looking for someone who looks good and knows lots of good jokes, Shania Twain is our first choice so be sure to tell her, if we’re not over at the Johnny Mack Brown High School, try Burford’s Barber Shop”. Funeral services will be held in the parking lot behind Burford’s tomorrow morning. Lester ‘Roadhog’ Moran is survived by his ex-wife Ruby Lee, their son Lester Junior aka Tater, and daughter Tiffany Mae. Tiffany Mae Moran followed her father’s path into show business and can be seen dancing at the Mouse’s Ear (124 Rural Route #6, Rainbow Valley) every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday night. She starts at nine unless she’s late. The folks at the Mouse’s Ear report they’ve got a brand new pole to replace the one that got broken at their Christmas party last year. Lester ‘Roadhog’ Moran also has nine grandchildren, five named Bubba, and Shawonda, Critter, Brittney and Lester III (aka Trey).
Addendum: Although he did put a load of buckshot through his head in his sleep, it turns out Lester ‘Roadhog’ Moran is not dead after all. After being declared deceased by the Rainbow Valley coroner Herschel Rexrode (a double first cousin to Wesley Rexrode of the Cadillac Cowboys, seems like everyone in the Rainbow Valley is related somehow), it was reported that Moran got up off the slab, and began picking buckshot out of his head with tweezers, getting all of the buckshot out several hours later, the doctors stitched him up and he’s recovering nicely.
Evidently none of the buckshot penetrated his skull (“I’ve always been told I’ve got a hard head”). Unfortunately, getting the paper work reversed is rather complicated business and nobody knows exactly how to go about getting a person who has been declared dead, undeclared dead (or declared undead, which would make him a vampire or a zombie, legally speaking, of course), so according to the old Roadhog– “Maybe I’ll stay dead for a bit, I’m told it’s a good career move…sure worked for Elvis”. When asked how he’s feeling he let out his trademark “Well, All right”!
Here’s to a speedy recovery to Lester ‘Roadhog’ Moran, although Witchita says–“We’d still like Shania Twain to join our group, and I’m sure the ole Roadhog will understand if she decides she wants the job, we all have families to feed. Ever since the plant closed up and moved to India, things have been tough here in the Rainbow Valley”. Ms. Twain was unavailable for comment.
There are rumours however that Ms. Twain too has been conisdering using outsourced musicians from India in her backing group, so don’t be suprised if you hear a pedal steel sitar on her next record.